There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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