Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
