you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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