I can't watch pbs sober anymore
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Randomize
