Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
did you just send me my own nude
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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