I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
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