I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
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