The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Randomize
