i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
He kissed a someone with a penis
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Randomize
