sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
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