Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
