Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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