It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Randomize
