you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
