I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside