Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
