She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
