i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
