I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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