I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
There are leaves in my underwear?
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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