when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
