yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
