Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
