Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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