At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
We had sex on a dog bed..
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
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