had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
