So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
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