ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
