I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Let's get the cat blown out
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
