Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
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