So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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