I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
