i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Drunk is a universal language darling
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