Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
