You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
