I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
you inspire me to be a worse person
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
