the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
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