His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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