guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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