You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
