apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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