Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Randomize
