if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
