I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Randomize
