we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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