Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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