The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Randomize
