Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
