Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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