are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
