I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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