don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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