am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
