you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
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