I just cut my nipple shaving
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
We were destined to go to rehab together
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
