I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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