"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
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