This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
