threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
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