Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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